I’ve noticed recently that somehow my self-confidence dwindled to almost nonexistent over the past several months. I couldn’t begin to tell you when it started or ultimately why I have been so hard on myself lately… but just that I have noticed that I am. As many of you know I am getting married in about a month and I am so incredibly excited to be spending the rest of my life with the most incredible man I have ever been given the privilege to know. It’s times like this when I am so grateful to have a man by my side who sees things in me when I don’t see them myself. A man who encourages me to follow my dreams and recognize my talents. Words alone just can’t describe how grateful I am to have him in my life.
A few things I’ve noticed about myself lately is that I have stepped back from volunteering at my church, I lack confidence in my workplace, and I am constantly comparing myself to others. I think to myself, “there is just no way I’ll ever be good enough to do what they can do”.
Some of this has grown out of my wedding planning. Of course, we all know that it’s wedding season, and I am surrounded by all these beautiful glowing brides with their amazing stories, lovely weddings, and well dare I say larger budgets. I started comparing my wedding to those around me and it made me start to feel like my wedding won’t be as great or my wedding won’t be as extravagant, and to be completely honest… how superficial my thoughts were becoming and how shifted my focus had become. I was becoming so concerned with how my wedding would appear to others I was forgetting that I held the key to happiness already in my heart. This wedding wouldn’t even be happening if it weren’t for Jesus Christ and his hand in every step of our relationship.
Some of my decline in confidence has stemmed from my new career. I am very blessed to be working for such an amazing company and I love being surrounded by such honorable people. However, I have noticed that while I am at work I am more critical about myself because I am what feels like consistently falling behind on my work, getting overwhelmed with the growing piles of files on my desk, and feeling like I just can’t measure up to the girl who did my job before me. I feel like I’m always behind and never ahead and that just makes me feel like “I’m not good enough”. When I took the job I was so excited to finally have a normal schedule, to be able to see my family and friends, make appointments I could keep, go on normal dates, etc. And all I have found is that… It doesn’t matter what job I’m doing, I won’t be able to have a life like that. I’m just “too busy” to adequately maintain my relationships.
I’ve been in the process of starting my own business around weddings. I just love coordinating events, all that goes into the planning process, and even designing custom invitations, décor, etc. My supportive fiancé inspired me to make my dream a reality and so I got a kick start and then plateaued because of my fear of failure. The business has not launched, nor is it ready to. But I’m afraid to even work on it because I’m afraid of failing.
I sing. On Sundays I sing during worship, I sing in the car on my drives to and from work, I sing when I’m bored, I sing when I’m happy, and I even sing when I’m sad. Do many people know this about me? No. Why? Because those who do tell me to try out for the worship team. They tell me I’m good and they tell me it’s a gift. Why don’t I listen to them, you may be wondering? Because I’m afraid that the leaders will tell me I’m not. That I’m not good enough.
I’ve even been neglecting to post on this blog. I’ve written a few posts over the last couple of weeks and I haven’t felt confident enough to post them for the world to see. Shoot, I haven’t even felt confident enough to let my fiancé read them. They are just stored in a file on my computer. Some without titles, some incomplete, just thoughts on a page that never quite made it. Fragments of a post that just wasn’t good enough.
I know this all sounds strange. I know it all even sounds dumb and melodramatic. But the truth is I’ve been listening to the lies that the enemy is whispering in my ear. The lie that I’m not good enough to do anything, and to do anything well. I know this is a lie because I am a daughter of the Almighty King of Kings. I am the beloved daughter of the Lord, Most High. My God made me in His image, and that means I was designed for greatness. I have a purpose in this world, and it involves so much more than trying to blend into the background, go unnoticed, and it certainly requires me to stop feeling like I’m inadequate and to get my butt out there and make a difference.
If any of you are in a rut like me, if you feel like you’re just never going to measure up. Know that you’ve already exceeded so many expectations. Know that you’ve already won the battle. Know that God loves you, and wants more from you than your fear, your anxiety, and your doubt. You are beautiful. You are loved. You are cherished. And you are powerful. You were designed for greatness. Send me an email at caylee@coffeetalk.online. I would love to pray with you. Know you’re not alone, but know that this isn’t where you’re supposed to be. You’re just in a valley, but keep walking forward, I know it’s hard. But I’m there too, so take my hand and let’s do this together.
Much Love,
Caylee